so here I go and actually share something I wrote in my journal 3 days ago. I keep it up almost as much as this blog--oh well.....
I am not diabetes. It is not who I am. I don't need to be afraid of telling people what my BG's are; but I am. I am afraid that showing anything other than perfection would cause people to hate me. I want to hide when my BG's are 279 like this morning and I am on a self-hate kick.
I wonder if people would accept me more if they knew what high and low BG's do to my moods, emotions, and reactions. I am convinced that people don't really like me. I am convinced that they would rather not have me around and wish that I would just go away.
Does this mean that I don't want myself around?; that I would rather that I go away?; that I don't like me?
Maybe I have it all wrong and not showing my imperfection separates me from others....
6 comments:
You are not alone . . . here's a confession for you -- when I know that I have an appointment coming up with the endocrinologist, I won't test my BG if I know or suspect that it's high. I don't want that number showing up on my record because then it will prove that I'm not a "perfect diabetic." I know there is no such thing, but for some reason I expect that of myself.
I wonder if that is because of the reaction from the endo---just a thought?
My doctor actually said he is just my adviser--I am in the driver's seat but he can't help me if I don't test because he has nothing to work with. He is more disappointed when I don't check my blood...
Ya know I don't have diabetes but I have a thyroid disease and I sometimes feel the same way. I feel totally lost and that I am just a shell of what I used to be. I have mood swing and get tired for no reason because of this and until my thyroid is destroyed by this disease I really just have to ride out the waves of exhaustion. It really sucks. I can relate to some of what you said.
Nobody's perfect. I know that you do not need silly old me to remind you of that fact. But I often have to remind myself...
You are not diabetes. BUT, it is something that could act as a constant reminder that you are not perfect. When you're too high, or too low...and mixed with your personality, I think it's easy for you to be hard on yourself.
You are an incredibly likable person, you're funny (even when you're not overly serious), very friendly, and you make some killer bread. You also do an amazing job as a mother, a wife, and a teacher.
I would think that sharing some of your diabetic related things would be difficult for the casual aquaintance to comprehend, but I do think it's something you're better off discussing with close friends. I haven't encountered the "Dragon" yet, but people might be more understanding if they have advanced warning.
Just a thought...
*hugs*
I hear ya. I feel the same about feeling like I cannot show people bad numbers, even my own husband. That Is why I cannot test in front of anyone. I cannot even handle them thinking "oh, she's high and out of control" We share the same Dr. and he just gave me this site, since I say I struggle and feel alone. Visit my blog at myneverendingdlife.blogspot.com
Steph: thanks for your comment. I would love to read and post comments on your blog but your blog won't allow me to...
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