Reflections on diagnosis and how far I've come

 There was a Post on one of the groups I belong to about Diabetes and controlling it.  Every day I read stories about how a 5 yr old or a 2 year old have just been diagnosed and will someone please help them figure it out?

I don't know if I have said this before on another post. Forgive me, if so.

I was diagnosed while I was in my first Semester at College. It was the first term. I had an English paper due in April of the 2nd term. I was out from October to January. I thought my life had ended.

Usually I'm a pretty positive person and it has taken a lot of self work to get where I feel comfortable saying that statement.  

Diabetes brought all my stuff to the fore front of my life.  All the stuff I was running away from came into much truer focus and my hopes and dreams for the future receded down a hole I thought I would never be able to dig myself out of.

I had just graduated from High School with High Honors.  I was working my way through college and hoped to graduate with some kind of degree...but hadn't settled on one yet. I was making friends in my classes and living on campus. 

For the English paper that was due, I chose to learn more about my diagnosis and the impact it would have on my life.  I had an open topic and could choose anything I wanted.  I started to research.  This was before internet, social media, and the like. 

Sometimes it's really hard to control. The key to control is self control. It's the most important Key. You have to overcome addiction, Negative mental battles that happen all the time. Confront it all. I have tried to take my own life and life is so much better.

Once I figured out it was better, I made a decision to never give up trying to find a way to have level sugars and be able to age gracefully. I've been diabetic for 30+ years.

Learn about how your body works and find out what your enemies are. Then find a way to eliminate them. Find out what the consequences are if you fail at the elimination process. I went worst case scenario when I was diagnosed. The landscape was breathtakingly scary. I was in good health my entire life and I was facing dying slowly for years to come. It was what kept me going in the beginning.

As I have lived with Diabetes for so long, I have realized that I have to find a new Why every few months to every few years. I have to fight in the nitty gritty of life on the worst day possible and fight through to want to live one more day.

Some days I can take a break from thinking about it all the time. Other days, it beats me upside the head over and over and over and over....to infinity.

I've learned how to not be a B%$#h to everyone around me when my blood sugar is "out of whack", in either direction.

There are some times when my blood sugar is too low that I cannot do my job because my brain doesn't work and I cannot answer any questions, be pleasant or make any decisions because my brain is in panic mode and I cannot form the thoughts until I get sugar.

If my blood sugar is dropping really slowly, I don't notice until I cant have a coherent sentence. It is is falling rapidly, I can fall back on my back stops--glucose, sugar, drinks with carbs to head the low off. At times I have had to take a short break to get what I needed because I had already blown through my back stops with other low sugars. That's not necessarily a good day.

I've gotten more able to recognize when I need to take more action. I've gotten better at eating correctly so I don't have a low. I don't feel like I am playing Roulette every day anymore. It's nice.

Chrystal

Eating Patterns

 I used to be able to eat anything I wanted. I was 15

I used to be able to take insulin for what I wanted to eat with great results.  I was 20

I used to have the energy to do anything I wanted.  I was 17

It's 30 years later..

I can't eat anything I want, I can't take insulin and eat anything I want; I don't have the energy to do anything I want.

I am losing the desire to do the things I wanted to do when I  was 20.  

I never thought I would miss always going low in the middle of the night and being under 90 every single morning.     I do now. 

I'm most worried about the desire loss.  But I am not going to let it beat me. 

I haven't lost my thirst for learning how and why I need to do things a certain way.

I haven't lost the need to have so many tools in my emotional, physical, and mental toolboxes that I'm prepared for the worst that can happen. 

I need to increase understanding about how to eat to reduce the carbohydrate in my meal to next to zero.

                      And Still get enough to eat.....

Is it possible?  Maybe.  Will I find an answer that works for me?  Most assuredly.

How?  That remains to be seen.

By having an open mind and being willing to set aside my skepticism. 

By using a log to show my results.

By asking for help from somebody who knows more than me and then getting to work. 

What other path is there? ( this is a rhetorical question)

The Land of the Low

 In 2011 when I was running the Wasatch Back my pump malfunctioned: when I was at higher altitude, I was getting more insulin than I needed due to a malfunction with the reservoir. I got a letter a couple weeks after from Medtronic explaining but the damage had already been done. I couldn't keep my blood sugars above 40 the whole time I was at that altitude. I had tried to train my team and explain but my team mate who was supplying me argued with me about what I was doing and I told him to just do it. I didn't know why....the longer I stayed low the ornerier I got....I hate going low. I tried changing my site but it didn't help....I had trained at those levels, I was prepared to run the legs I was responsible for---I was unaware of the malfunction and it didn't happen on any of my training runs. It was really weird.

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if the routine changes too much and I'm more active or less it does affect my blood sugars ....I'm going to bet she is more active because of the move: and it will calm down eventually.
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I have a defense mechanism that I set up shortly after that: I buy glucose tablets by the 50 ct carton. I buy 5-6 cartons at a time and store them until they are needed: I like the Kroger ones: they taste good and they are inexpensive. 3.99 for 1 carton. I also bought some smaller containers that fit like 12 glucose tablets in each: I have glucose everywhere I go: I always carry it in my purse and car and I have it in the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom in 2 places. I also have my other favorite treatment which is nature valley granola bars: the crispy ones that I keep in my closet. They are for hiking to make you drink more water but I use them because they have 2 bars in each package and each bar is 15CHO and I can easily break it in half if I need less. I don't do candy: preservatives and additives make me swell and hurt my stomach.
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I've had Diabetes for almost 30 years. diagnosed when I was still a teenager and a couple of weeks ago I took 30 min in my backyard cleaning it up and went low....I didn't even think about how that would affect me or check to see how much insulin I still had on board......since I'm prepared with tools for quick treatment: its wasn't so hard to come back up but it knocks you out sometimes.

IN Sync

 You know that just really good day?   This must have been a very good day for these two people.

Gold Medal Pairs Figure Skating performance

There are just some days where time just stops and Joy enters in.   Where you feel like you can live forever in this place .  They are beautiful days.  

When I fasted for 72 hours, my blood sugars evened out almost flat and I was 95% in my green range.  I usually fast 18 hours a day each and every day

Try Everything....

 Exercise....UGH!!!

the results are always lows in the 40's for days afterward....it doesn't take much. 20 min Pilates workout with Side Kick Series thrown in...total 30 min.    I

I'm really glad I'm not on a tight rope...I would fall off every time.   Roller coaster is more the norm here.  all in the green but seriously.  I'm more likely to go low than high.---of course I could lower my basals and I have been very very slowly.  

My husband asked me what the lowest amount I could go before I would have to go off the pump....

The answer is 0.6 units....I'm currently at 22.35 basal  Insulin to BG ratio is ranging: at 1:150 (insulin:blood glucose)  that is how much 1 unit will bring me down. Some days that is higher....

Also: I'm on Novolog and I have seen blood sugar lowering action 5 hours after a correction bolus.....and even longer.  I'm not talking about huge boluses either. under 4 units at a time. 

I'm afraid to take insulin for a high blood sugar after 7pm.   Sometimes I regret getting a CGM--isn't it better not to know?  

Enjoy....I'm still trying...always trying ...sometimes succeeding...always hoping to get some grace from this effort.

Body Talk--Hi's, Low's and mostly Mental stuff

Pay Attention!  Sometimes, it's really easy to ignore things my body is doing.

We all constantly get feedback from our body on all the activities we do, everything we eat, drink, absorb...

Are we paying attention?  Does it take a trip to the doctor before we start really paying attention?

The faster my blood sugar falls, the more anxious I get...I get a feeling like something isn't right and I don't know what it is. 

When my blood sugars are high, I am PARANOID...  It took me a few years to overcome the negative thought patterns of NOT ENOUGH.    It is possible to break those patterns and it sometimes takes constant vigilance when you are just realizing what is really going on in your head.

I used to write my thoughts and journal a lot....Just a couple of months ago I re read those pages...I have 2 journals full of negative self talk...I wasn't intending to put those words down.  It was almost like I was completely unaware of what I was writing and the power those words were having in my everyday life. 

They affected every thought process, decision, judgement I made about myself, my friends, my neighbors, my family, strangers....Do you know who always got the benefit of the doubt?  Friends, neighbors, family, strangers.   ....NOT ME!

The hook was never taken out of me.  I was always on the hook.   Does this sound familiar? 

Try it.  listen to what your brain says...write it down.  then: listen to Craig Manning on YouTube...

He has a Channel called:  The Fearless Mind.

Read a few books:  The Anatomy of Peace by Arbinger.    Loving What Is by Byron Katie.

Listen to the audio of The Untethered Soul...

We all have to battle the beast...we are just sometimes unaware that the beast is US. 

Recognize the fight.  Win the battle.   Keep going.